2 Days on 2 Wheels

All over Laos we kept meeting people touring the country by bicycle, most of them over age 50, so being sick of the buses we thought we'd give it a try. After all, if they could do it, couldn't we? Oh famous last words...anyway we figured if the roads sucked we'd get Sam's cousin Ehp who does deliveries in southern Laos to pick up the bikes. So we set out early from Grandma's house shortly after Christmas, with the entirely family laughing at us and shaking their heads in amazement at the stupid things falang do.

It started out well; we decided to ride the back way from Ponhong to avoid Vientiane. The air was cool, the farm roads were shady and had little traffic. A convenient nam rice roll shop awaited us for breakfast an hour away. A nice little ferry waited at the river crossing, and they didn't even overload it with motorbikes. After a few hours riding, we came to the road that would be the main stretch for the day (60 kilometers) and discovered that the thinner red line on the map did not actually mean road but instead was marked "unpaved track, condition unkown." Yeah, always read the map legend before you go. Actually it wasn't too bad of a dirt road, a little rough, but it was pretty dusty and the dirt was very loose and it was getting hotter by the minute.

Around noon we came to an intersection that wasn't on the map. Asking the way to the next town on the map from a roadside stand, the helpful lady told us to take the new road and it was close by - a perfect lunch stop, we thought. It was dirt also, but well packed, so we were happy to take the new road. 10k or so later, hmm, the road construction crew. Wow, it really was a new road. We asked them which way to the next town, and they sounded a bit confused, as did the next few people we passed. Eventually we were sent down a small trail that ended up in a confusing maze of single track cow paths through thick woods by the river. Thrilling as this would have been on our brand new Gary Fishers, we had our heavy bags and the hummingbird size mosquitoes were eating like they hadn't seen fresh meat in days, which they probably hadn't. After getting scary lost for awhile, we ended up backtracking - all the way to the original helpful lady, where we discovered that a) the "next town" on the map wasn't actually on the way to our destination and b) it wasn't actually a town but some kind of ethnotourist village or tweaker resort or vampire enclave or who knows what. The map legend didn't explain what "star" meant, maybe it meant "avoid this spot at all costs" or "beware, mosquitoes."

Well, that's the way it goes when you go the back way. Nine hours after leaving we made it to highway 13 and found the usual brand new guesthouse where half the rooms were still being built. We half expected the staff to run away screaming the Laotian equivalent of "aaah, bigfoot!" but fortunately they recognized us as some kind of crazy falangs under the thick layer of dust and dirt caking us, and even let us use the brand new hotel room with brand new sheets and towels (we showered for an hour each first.) Despite being apparently in the middle of nowhere there was a hotpot restaurant next door which revitalized us a lot.

The next day started off easy - paved roads, cool air. The traffic was not too heavy though it was scary whenever a bus would pass a big truck coming at us and force us off the road. The road was a steady uphill grade but manageable until afternoon when as the road started to turn towards the Mekhong, a strong headwind came up. And it got hot. And I got sick - as in throwing up everything including water. We'd already made it about 60 k and all we could think of was making it the last 20 k to the next town, Paxsan, because all the 2-ways that passed were bizarrely packed with furniture on the roof (must have been National Moving Day or something.) Poor Sam eventually had to take my bag and helpfully push me up the steeper sections. Less helpfully he sang "Eye of the Tiger" for me until I was ready to kill him. I frequently stopped to puke my guts out so it took hours but we did make it before dark.

At the guest house in Paxsan we discovered that the uphill continued for the next 250 k but the wind got stronger as the road turned south. Also that touring that section of road was probably about as appealing as touring I-5 in Central California in terms of tourist attractions to see. Also that tomorrow was New Year's Eve and we should absolutely under no condition attempt to bicycle on the road for the next two days because of drunken drivers. We struggled with the idea of Grandma laughing her ass off at us when we returned the next day, but eventually gave in since I still couldn't keep down water.

So we headed back to Grandma's for New Years where they did in fact laugh their asses off at us. But at least we survived the drunken drivers.