The Last of Laos

In Phnom Penh, we debated the following choice:
1) Wait in our shanty bungalow on the lake for three days for Lao visas. This wouldn't be too bad except for the Coldplay at a gazillion decibels until 3am and also the whole complex shakes whenever the other residents (outnumbered 3 to 1 by the pimps and hookers) walk by. Then take three 12 hour bus rides up to Vientiane and hope that only one of the buses breaks down.
2) $400 and 60 minutes later be in Vientiane, courtesy Vietnam Air.

1) would probably have cost us nearly as much due to hotel costs, bus ticket costs, and the necessity of procuring some of the local offerrings to get through it, and I don't mean the girls or ladyboys. Not being broke yet, we chose 2). Phnom Penh airport was very nice and Vietnam Air treated us like VIPs, even feeding us lunch despite the flight being only 60 minutes! I only wished the flight could last longer. Naturally we ate the lunch, despite the two Dairy Queen blizzards, lasagna, and chili cheese dog we'd already consumed at the airport. Mmm, DQ.

This left us with a pleasant week's R&R at Grandma's to hang out with the family and, also very important, do laundry. They did a ceremony for us similar to the one at Nambok and we bought a pig to BBQ. This seemed like a great idea (save money, feed everyone) until Sam's cousin showed up with the live screaming pig in his arms! I plugged in my headphones and ran upstairs but that pig was loud!

It was sad to say goodbye to all the family but we tore ourselves away so we could have a little time in Thailand. But not without many fond memories of Laos. Here are some of the things that I think will stick in our minds:

1. Sticky rice, naturally. Which is not only stuck in our minds but also stuck elsewhere...final goodbyes to the sticky rice may not be for months!

2. The cute little thatched houses on stilts, dwarfed by a giant old fashioned TV satellite dish attached to the side. Due to road dust and rust, the color coordination between the two is astonishing.

3. The myriad forms of animal transportation. In particular, the water buffalo in the tiny mini pickup trucks, and the goat all alone on the open roof of a full size bus.

4. Baby animals! Everywhere! Puppies, baby goats as cute as puppies, kittens, chicks, calves, baby water buffalo. I'm not entirely sure how we managed to drag ourselves away without at least one of each stuffed in our backpacks (well maybe not the buffalo.)



5. Local buses. Our final bus trip was a fitting goodbye i.e. packed like parasites in the belly of a bat out of hell. By this point I didn't even care and fought the lady next to me valiantly for my 3 inches of seat. However due to the 2 ladies already next to her on the 2.5 foot wide seat, I didn't have a lot of success.

6. Village life. The slow lazy pace, strolling next door for shampoos, shopping, etc. We'll never forget the time everyone was sitting around outside the house and, as happens many times a day, a cow walked by along the road. All of a sudden Sam's cousin jumps up: "That's my cow!
and takes off running.



7. Village food. 70 cents pho, 20 cents coffee, and all the great meals with the family, all sitting around sharing sticky rice with sticky rice, also tasty veggies, soups, bbq baby animals, ok just kidding, usually we bbq the grown-ups.

8. Our bicycles. Renting the local bikes is not the same! We'll miss our Gary Fishers but left them locked up at Grandma's to ride around there in future trips.

9. The crazy caffienated roosters crowing at all times of the night and day. The worst is when one starts, all the others start, then the dogs start barking. Or vice versa. Our attempt to find and eat the ringleader rooster unfortunately failed and he is still out there. Somewhere....

10. Family. Aunties, uncles, cousins, grandma, in-laws, 2nd cousins twice removed, next door neighbors that are fourth cousins 3 times removed somehow....We'll miss everyone a lot!

Off we go to Thailand on the Midnight Ghost (Cold as hell AC sleeper train from Nongkhai to Bangkok). See you all on the beaches of southern Thailand!

Siem Reap and more old rocks

The only thing we wanted to do in Cambodia was to visit these old rock piles from a long time ago. We really couldn't figure out how old the rocks were but had a nice rough estimate on when it was piled together by these old people. They did a wonderful job considering the rocks were old and mostly square so it must have been tough to roll them. My favorite pile was this one that had a lot of square rocks on top of each other and trees and stuff growing from and around it. It is so interesting that these old people from a long time ago actually went rock hunting and found these square rocks. How and where did they find so many old rocks that were almost the same size and shape will always remain a mystery to me.

Ankor is one of the most fascinating places I have ever been. I wasn't too excited about seeing the ruins but went along to keep Amy company. Once we arrived at the "Ticket Booth" on our rented bikes I moaned about the $80US for our 3 day pass. Who wants to spend 3 days looking at old rocks that were once piled together? When we arrived at Ankor Wat itself I was overwhelmed by how spectacular it was. WOW! The details on almost every stone and how magnificient the buildings were. Everything was so elaborate it gave me chills to think about how life there must have been back then. We walked around and looked at every building stone by stone. The stories that each wall told was carved with so much detail that we figured out which story was which without having a guide or book to follow. I'll let our pictures do all the explaining since I cant begin to write about all the splendors. I did really enjoy the hammock outside of the 5 star bathrooms they had at Ankor Wat. We tried to rent out a stall for the night since it was much nicer and cleaner than any guesthouse we have been to in all of SE Asia. The police officer showing off his new stun gun made me think twice at first but after he listened to som Bob Marley on my iPod, we became good buddies. I was offered a free hour nap on the Hammock.



We spent the second day in bed since we both felt sick. The entire time we couldnt stop thinking about all the other cities and ruins at Ankor that we could be running around at. Well, at least our pass is good for another day. Time to rest.

We both felt fairly sick on the third day but it was our final day to see the ruins. Bike rental it is again since a tuk tuk will cost us $12US for the entire day compared to $4US. The ride wasnt as pleasant today since it felt hotter and we were still sick. We made it to Ta Prom, the city that wasnt rebuilt and it's ruins being taken over by giant trees. It was an amazing place but I kept getting this feeling that I was at Disneyland waiting in line for a rollercoaster ride. Maybe the thousands of tourists that just got off the 50 buses parked outside, pushing their way past us ruined the mood. We both had enough for the day and headed back into town with the promise of returing during the rainy season when no one else wants to visit.

Siem Reap itself was a nice town despite being very touristy. The trick was to just give a polite apologetic "No, thank you" to all the tuk tuk drivers, tour guides, trinket salesman, etc that constantly surround you. We learned that this was more effective than a rude "No!" Cambodia took some getting used to but was not so different from Laos, or, as they say all over Southeast Asia, "Same same, but different."

Same same: the agressive tuk tuk drivers. Different: Instead of being 3 wheelers, the tuk tuks were actually regular motorcycles pulling a kind of two wheeled chariot. It makes you feel very royal!

Same same: women wearing sarongs. Different: women wearing full-on pajama suits. I have no idea what this fashion is about, if you know, please tell me.

Same same: plenty of Western food and tourist services. Different: everyone speaks very good English! The average beggar kid on the street speaks better English than the most expensive Lao tour guide! We weren't sure if this was due to the more outgoing Cambodian personality, or the fact that all the TV is American TV in English, rather than American TV dubbed in Thai. Particularly endearing to me is their habit of saying "like" every third word.

Same same: poverty. Different: More poverty, and lots and lots of amputee landmine victims. It is a terrible problem. One organization sponsors landmine bands where the victims learn a musical instrument and make money from donations and CD sales.

Same same: tonal language. Different: Instead of the rising tones, high tones, mid tones, etc of Lao, in Cambodia the tones appear to be !, !!, !!!, and !!!! We could never tell when couples were arguing and when they were exchanging tender love poems.

Same same: inflated currency - 4000 riel to the dollar. Different: For anything over 4000 riel, they use US dollars. ATMs only give US dollars.

Anyway, the next day we headed to Pnom Penh by bus. Not too bad of a ride, only 6 hours. We planned on staying one night in the city before hopping on another bus for 3 days back to Laos. Guess what, no Visa on arrival in southern Laos. Luckily we looked into this at Pnom Penh instead of heading up to the border to be denied access. Our options are to stay in Pnom Penh at the rat infested lakeside guesthouse for 3 days to get Visa's done or.....fly to Laos. We both decided that we were over 3 day bus rides and coughed up the $400US of our plane tickets. Off we went for a little shopping at the Russian market (no Russians in evidence but lots of cheap black market Western brands) and then the airport!

Southern Laos - Take Two

After some time recovering and resting at Grandma's from our little bicycle odyssey, I was able to keep down food most of the time, and getting restless staying at the house. Plus I'd thrown up all 7 of the 7 total Lao dishes already and so nothing really appealed to me to eat there - I was ready for some tourist-town pizza and Indian food. So we caught a ride with Ehp who was heading south at 2am to Thakek. We assumed this would be better than the bus, but in fact found that there are worse things than the bus - such as freezing in the back of a pickup for 7 hours. At least we got to look at the stars, and Sam's rendition of "Somewhere Out There" (or whatever the American Tale song is called) was excellently done in an authentic Feivel voice.

When we got to Thakek we found that there wasn't much to do or see there, so we went to the bus station to catch the 11:30am bus to Paxse, and waited, and waited. The only entertainment was a poor goat tied to the roof of an actual full size bus! The poor goat, stuck in the hot sun. At least someone climbed up to give it water, which it refused to drink. Anyway our bus did eventually did leave at about 3pm. It was a local bus so it stopped every 5 minutes to offload people, livestock, cement, etc, and didn't get to Paxse until late, causing all the poor locals to miss their connections and have to beg for a place to stay. We'd been up for 36 hours and were just happy to crash out at a town with a tourist area, meaning internet and pizza (which I devoured and promptly threw up.)

We rested for a day in Paxse. Swearing off local buses, we went to a tour agency and booked a minibus to Champasok, near Wat Phou, the only Khmer ruin in Laos. We stayed a day there and rode rented bicycles (sad after our nice mountain bikes) up to the temple, which we toured in great detail, because really it is not very big at all, though fun all the same. It was hot so we didn't stage any kung fu fights on the crazy temple steps. Next time. If you are going, my advice is to rent a scooter and do this as a daytrip from Paxse, because Champasok is a very small, sleepy town. By sleepy, I mean every shopowner and restaurant owner is asleep and has to be dragged grumpily out of their bed or hammock to help you. Well, most of them. There is a restaurant at every house but we discovered once you order that the owners of the restaurants all run over to the same kitchen nearby and order you food, then bring it back a few hours later at a premium price. Luckily we met only the second American couple we'd ever seen in Laos and had a fun time comparing notes with them while we waited.

Next we booked another VIP minibus to the 4000 Islands, an area in southern Laos where the Mekong divides and creates an area with about 20 islands, 2000 rocks, and 1080 trees sticking up from the river. We ended up having to throw our bags on a big bus and take a minibus, since the other minibus had broken down. Arriving at the ferry crossing to Dondet island, we waited for the bags. And waited, and waited, and thought about all the things that we really really needed and couldn't possibly replace in those bags. Eventually we found out that the bus had broken down as well and our bags showed up in another bus. So we finally got to catch the ferry to the island. The ferry was actually a rickety longboat powered by, I swear to you, a weedwhacker.

Dondet island was super cool, a lazy laid back place on the river lined with bungalows and riverfront restaurants where we immediately parked ourselves and ordered ourselves some french fries and fruit shakes. Later we got beers at the Monkey Bar where a crazy drunk wouldn't leave us alone - eventually we discovered he was the bar owner, but not until his children forcibly carried him away.



The next day we did the kayak tour with some friends from the broken down bus. The tour was great, but we forgot our cardinal rule - always inspect the equipment before paying! It turned out one of the kayaks was actually an inflatable - very difficult to steer and paddle. We soon found out why the tour was expensive and why they don't let you tour by yourself - locals have to carry the kayaks past the first falls, actually a section where the river splits into a series of small falls. It has not been whitewater rafted yet, at least not successfully, and we were not going to try it in our inflatable! After the falls we got to try the rapids (probably barely class 2) after which we cleverly got our friends to trade for the "fun" kayak. We had lunch on the Cambodian side of the river at the Irrawaddy river dolphin-watching spot. After the gibbons, we didn't expect much because we'd heard people often did not see any dolphins. But the dolphins were feeling organized and were in their assigned positions that day - we got to paddle out and watch them for about an hour quite close up. However they totally failed to do any backflips, oh well. We paddled back over to Laos where a truck drove us to the second waterfall, apparently the largest falls in Laos by volume, where a huge section of the Mekong dumps off a big shelf. We'd heard it was pretty lame but in the dry season it was pretty spectacular - probably about a 40 foot drop and a huge amount of water, glowing in the setting sun. Yeah yeah, pics soon, when we get fast internet i.e. leave Southeast Asia.

The next day we booked another VIP bus to Siem Reap in Cambodia - a 2 day journey. The border crossing exit point was a total cliche - just a tiny shack with a little tollgate style pole on a string. Then a short walk and repeat for immigration, and change buses. After about an hour, take a wild guess what happened next - the bus broke down. Apparently even VIP buses in southern Laos and Cambodia only have about a 33% chance of arrival. Luckily the operators have cell phones and the buses break down so much that they send another bus pretty fast. We did an overnight in Kampong Cham, where surprisingly the bus operator got us all a good hotel without cheating us much ($5 a night for a good clean room.) The next day we had to change buses a few times again but made it with no further trouble to Siem Reap.

2 Days on 2 Wheels

All over Laos we kept meeting people touring the country by bicycle, most of them over age 50, so being sick of the buses we thought we'd give it a try. After all, if they could do it, couldn't we? Oh famous last words...anyway we figured if the roads sucked we'd get Sam's cousin Ehp who does deliveries in southern Laos to pick up the bikes. So we set out early from Grandma's house shortly after Christmas, with the entirely family laughing at us and shaking their heads in amazement at the stupid things falang do.

It started out well; we decided to ride the back way from Ponhong to avoid Vientiane. The air was cool, the farm roads were shady and had little traffic. A convenient nam rice roll shop awaited us for breakfast an hour away. A nice little ferry waited at the river crossing, and they didn't even overload it with motorbikes. After a few hours riding, we came to the road that would be the main stretch for the day (60 kilometers) and discovered that the thinner red line on the map did not actually mean road but instead was marked "unpaved track, condition unkown." Yeah, always read the map legend before you go. Actually it wasn't too bad of a dirt road, a little rough, but it was pretty dusty and the dirt was very loose and it was getting hotter by the minute.

Around noon we came to an intersection that wasn't on the map. Asking the way to the next town on the map from a roadside stand, the helpful lady told us to take the new road and it was close by - a perfect lunch stop, we thought. It was dirt also, but well packed, so we were happy to take the new road. 10k or so later, hmm, the road construction crew. Wow, it really was a new road. We asked them which way to the next town, and they sounded a bit confused, as did the next few people we passed. Eventually we were sent down a small trail that ended up in a confusing maze of single track cow paths through thick woods by the river. Thrilling as this would have been on our brand new Gary Fishers, we had our heavy bags and the hummingbird size mosquitoes were eating like they hadn't seen fresh meat in days, which they probably hadn't. After getting scary lost for awhile, we ended up backtracking - all the way to the original helpful lady, where we discovered that a) the "next town" on the map wasn't actually on the way to our destination and b) it wasn't actually a town but some kind of ethnotourist village or tweaker resort or vampire enclave or who knows what. The map legend didn't explain what "star" meant, maybe it meant "avoid this spot at all costs" or "beware, mosquitoes."

Well, that's the way it goes when you go the back way. Nine hours after leaving we made it to highway 13 and found the usual brand new guesthouse where half the rooms were still being built. We half expected the staff to run away screaming the Laotian equivalent of "aaah, bigfoot!" but fortunately they recognized us as some kind of crazy falangs under the thick layer of dust and dirt caking us, and even let us use the brand new hotel room with brand new sheets and towels (we showered for an hour each first.) Despite being apparently in the middle of nowhere there was a hotpot restaurant next door which revitalized us a lot.

The next day started off easy - paved roads, cool air. The traffic was not too heavy though it was scary whenever a bus would pass a big truck coming at us and force us off the road. The road was a steady uphill grade but manageable until afternoon when as the road started to turn towards the Mekhong, a strong headwind came up. And it got hot. And I got sick - as in throwing up everything including water. We'd already made it about 60 k and all we could think of was making it the last 20 k to the next town, Paxsan, because all the 2-ways that passed were bizarrely packed with furniture on the roof (must have been National Moving Day or something.) Poor Sam eventually had to take my bag and helpfully push me up the steeper sections. Less helpfully he sang "Eye of the Tiger" for me until I was ready to kill him. I frequently stopped to puke my guts out so it took hours but we did make it before dark.

At the guest house in Paxsan we discovered that the uphill continued for the next 250 k but the wind got stronger as the road turned south. Also that touring that section of road was probably about as appealing as touring I-5 in Central California in terms of tourist attractions to see. Also that tomorrow was New Year's Eve and we should absolutely under no condition attempt to bicycle on the road for the next two days because of drunken drivers. We struggled with the idea of Grandma laughing her ass off at us when we returned the next day, but eventually gave in since I still couldn't keep down water.

So we headed back to Grandma's for New Years where they did in fact laugh their asses off at us. But at least we survived the drunken drivers.

Happy Holidays from Napho

We spent Christmas with the Sam's Grandma and the family in Napho. Being Buddhist, they don't actually celebrate Christmas, but we celebrated by inviting everyone over, buying tons of the fresh spring rolls (about 10 cents apiece), river clams, and buying me a shampoo and shoulder massage for about 50 cents. The lady used to be a professional hairdresser in the city but moved back to the country when she inherited her parents' house and farm, and just does hair now and then for fun. I guess she must like the bit where she gets to smack people on the forehead with hammers. But really it felt good, I swear.

We also took the bikes out to hang out at the farm and get some peace and quiet, and ride around the greater Ponhong area, which we discovered offers more than we thought - a driving range *and* a discoteque! Who knew?

A bit about the village of Napho: it is pretty small, maybe a few thousand people. It is on a road that runs between the main road and a network of roads near the reservoir. The most desired real estate is directly on the road because then the women of the house can open a business in the front of the house. Secluded, quiet houses out near the farms are considered highly undesirable and are only for the very rich or the poor. The business opened out of the house is usually a soup shop, (as in, what shall we eat, oh joy, another soup shop), cafe, barbershop, gas station, or a mini-mart. The mini-marts sell a few clothes, packaged foods, toiletries and other necessities. Grandma's house has a gas station. Basically uncle drives out to the main road gas station and buys a few gallons at a time, which they sell to motorbikes and tok toks for a little more than the prices on the main road. It's a cush job that mostly involves napping in front of the house, but hey, somebody's gotta stay and watch Grandma! If you can't afford a house on the main road, then if you are enterprising and willing to work your ass off, you can go into the steamed fertilized egg or mauna pua bun business, which involves walking (if you are unlucky) or riding a motorbike all around the entire area all day with big heavy steamers on poles, selling eggs or buns.

The homes vary from the woven thatch homes on stilts at the poorer end, to stucco with red tile roofs on the rich end. Grandma's house is somewhat in the middle and is a common variety - a brick bottom floor, with the brick faced with stucco and painted. Rebar enforced concrete pillars support a wooden top floor made out of some of the excellent and strong Lao hardwoods. The roof is metal. The front room downstairs is large and tiled (a sign of prosperity) and there is a kitchen in back. The toilet and shower/dish area are in stalls in the kitchen area. They don't have gas or powerful electricity so they cook using a kind of charcoal briquette made from wood. The bedrooms are upstairs, but we are working on extending the house closer to the street so that we can add two bedrooms downstairs so that Grandma doesn't have to climb the stairs every day and the uncle and aunt who live there can have a bedroom near Grandma. It's funny - no permits or nothing, we just started sledgehammering down the front wall and went from there!

On gender: Women, as far as I can tell, have basically the same rights as men, but cannot become monks because in the Lao version of buddhism, women have to be reborn as men before reaching Nirvana. At least that's the guidebook explanation. Naturally I think this is dumb. There is a less common type of female nun though that wears white instead of orange, following a different branch of buddhism. As in "fine, I'll get my own religion" which is what I would do!

There is some division of labor. Women tend to run the shops and businesses and keep house while the men farm, unless the family cannot afford a house in town, in which case everyone farms. I imagine everyone chips in during busier harvesting or planting seasons too. It was kind of funny, when buying a bicycle, the men were the salespeople and bicycle mechanics, but the women set the price and did the numbers, and we had to wait for the wife to return to actually negotiate the price and buy the bikes. At night, the women cook, and the men helpfully consume the alcohol and food.

Women also take whatever extra food they have to sell at the town outdoor market in the evening. Here (well in winter) you can get veggies such as green onions, green leaf lettuce, cabbage, cilantro, mint, basil, and bok-choy like things. You can buy pork, and sometimes beef, tendon, or water buffalo. The fruits in winter are papaya, coconuts, mandarins, tangerines, papayas, and mangos. They prefer the green mango and papaya eaten with chili sauce and are amazed when we actually show desire to eat the ripe ones. You can also get imported apples and pears.

As far as food goes, only two words are really needed: "sticky rice." Every family grows its own, as well as the regular boiled rice, and eats it all year. Last year the crop failed somewhat due to the rains, so Laos has its own real estate crash right now due to families who got out loans against their homes and land to buy nice new Toyota Hilux trucks, and now can't pay the bills.At least there are lots of Hilux trucks now!

When eating at home, everyone sits on the floor around a woven platter holding the various dishes - everyone shares, eating out of the same dish. Sticky rice is eaten with the hands and is used to dip or pick up the food in the dishes, a skill I have entirely failed to acquire so they always bring me a fork and spoon!

The pho rice noodle soup is usually eaten for breakfast (when it's cool enough outside to eat it) and comes in many varieties: chewy thick noodle, regular noodle, glass noodle, with beef and patay or meatballs or fishballs or dried octopus, or with a kind of pork chili. It comes with cilantro, lime, basil, and sprouts, and often lettuce and green beans. You actually are supposed to eat the lettuce cooked in the soup, which made us gag at first but you get used to it. Most people just eat leftovers with sticy rice for breakfast though.

For the other meals, more sticky rice with sticky rice, also all kinds of delicious chili, garlic, peanut, scallion, sugar, and/or fish sauce dippy sauces. To go with the sticky rice there is usually steamed vegetables or green papaya salad with insane spicy chili sauce that makes even Sam drip sweat. Sam calls the green mangoes and green papaya salad McDooDoo's. They are delicious though! Meat is a luxury and also the main source of fat since they don't have dairy or cook with much oil, so the fatty meat is prized. Definitely a formula for weight loss for me!

If you're looking for variety, you can also get eggs, buns, vegetarian spring rolls, fried spring rolls with pork, and rice noodle "nam" which is basically the thick rice noodle sheets wrapped around a little ground mushroom and pork. Also the mint and minced meat salad (say it 3 times fast) which they call "laab." In some places you can get bread and the Vietnamese style sandwiches with chicken curry or bbq pork or pork patay. Or you can get sticky rice for a change. Did I mention there's lots of sticky rice?

Families in Laos tend to be pretty big, with many children and strong family ties. The health care is better than it was in the past when the majority of the children would not make it to age 5, but still very basic. Many of the children typically start businesses or, if the family can afford it, go to the city for college and jobs. Typically it is the younger kids (boys or girls) that get sent to college, because the family has more time to save for it. One or two kids stay to be farmers. Most families boast a primary/high school-teacher or two also - grandma's family has three. And just like in the states, they make horrible pay, about the same as a day laborer.

Homosexuality and transgenderism, that is, ladyboys and toms, are pretty well-tolerated, and hate crimes would be unheard of, though there is teasing. Parents aren't usually too disappointed because there will never be a shortage of grandchildren! Plus there is a stereotype (not unlike at home) that ladyboys will be successful hairdressers, businesspeople, etc. However you can't make assumptions here: it is quite normal for friends (two girls or two guys) to hold hands, hug, or touch as a sign of frienship, where as it is frowned upon for a couple to touch physically in public. It is also frowned upon to wear clothes that show your thighs or shoulders except on the farm or around the family, though less so as the younger generation grows up. The women still like to wear the traditional wrap skirt ("sin") a lot though. I guess given the lack of bathrooms and rest stops on the road, it makes practical sense! Everyone just files out of the bus, lines up along the road, turns their back, and goes! Then when the bus has to wait for me as I claw my way out of the brambles, and they see why the bus was waiting, they all groan "oh, falang." (Falang is like gringo or haoli.)

The roads: The roads vary from rough dirt roads to highways. The highways are basically two lane roads that are actually wide enough for two cars. Due to the floods last year, they may frequently turn to rough dirt roads. The highways may have a line painted in the middle, or not. The line is meaningless anyway as passing is always allowed, though if you can't see far enough to pass safely, you should always honk your horn to warn oncoming traffic before going ahead and passing anyway. It is ok to pass another vehicle while it is passing a 3rd or 4th vehicle if there's room, though you should honk in this case as well. The horn is probably the most important part of the vehicle, used to signal "hey I'm coming!" If the headlights go out oh well, if it's burning oil whatever, but if your horn goes out you are screwed!

So anyway I don't think there are any actual traffic laws and certainly no driver's license is required for a car or motorbike. There's no speed limit either, though the potholes in the road work pretty well as speed bumps. When it comes to right of way, the rules are simple: the bigger thing wins. A passing car, truck, or bus has the right of way over an oncoming motorbike or bicycle which should get off the road in this case - fast. A pedestrian never, ever has the right of way - not in a marked crosswalk, not in an intersection with a green light, not when walking on the main road and a car is pulling out of a driveway or parking spot, never. When a side road joins the main road, vehicles turning left should yield, but when turning right, the person pulling onto the road has the right of way, and other vehicles should move left to make room for them. When a bicycle or motorbike or jumbo turns left, they typically cross the road when safe, drive slowly on the wrong side around the corner, and then cross over again when safe.

As far as drunk driving goes, not a lot is done to prevent it, and the roads are dangerous at night, not only because of drunk drivers but because of vehicles without lights and cars parked on the road for bathroom breaks, throwing up alcohol, or whatever. During New Year's, the drinking starts at about noon on New Year's Eve and goes until January 2nd, all while driving from party to party. Also everyone comes in from the city to visit family in the country. According to the news, over 100 died in Ponhong and over 400 in Vientiane on New Year's eve alone. So, not a very happy New Year's for 2009!

For our New Years, we stayed at Grandma's the whole time for New Years and hung out with the family, except for a few brave souls who went to pick up Sam's mom and uncle from the Vientiane on the evening of the New Year's Day. They made it safely. Grandma had been complaining about the crummy sausages we kept buying so we challenged them to a cookoff and celebrated New Year's with delicious lemon-grass and chili pork sausages. Then we caught a ride with Sam's cousin Ehp (right, pronounced "Ape") down south, more on that soon! However between Christmas and New Year's we first attempted to head south by bike, we'll tell you all about that next.

Back to Nambok by Bicycle

From Luang Prabang, visiting Sam's uncle again in Nambok was a perfect test ride for our new bicycles because a) the road was crummy enough to justify the nice bikes we had bought and b) the bus ride was so dang unpleasant a bicycle trip could hardly be worse. (For those who haven't memorized every posting, it was by a 2-way, which is the covered back of a pickup truck with bench seats, and was packed with people and freezing cold.) Plus, we knew we couldn't make the whole trip in a day so we didn't have to push ourselves: we could just throw our bikes on the 2-way when we got tired. The only drawback (and becoming the theme of our trip) was I was once again sick and had to run into the bushes after every uphill push! Oh well at least we got to stop a lot and look at the scenery.

The scenery up there is quite beautiful - steep sided limestone karsts and mountains, trees, rice fields, and small rivers with wooden boats being poled through the calm waters. The roadside also provided some entertainment, including more of the tok tok (tractor motor) cars travelling at 5 mph, 2-ways containing goats, 2-ways containing water buffalo - well one buffalo per 2-way, and that was enough to cause the tires to nearly rub the frame! Also live and dead wildlife for sale, including ocelot-like wildcats and some kind of chinchilla-like groundhog. We saw an unhappy goat being tied up and weighed on a grocery-store size scale...all very pastoral!

We rode for about 4 hours and 50 k (there was a lot of up and down hill, and the, umm, stops) and then eventually hailed a 2-way to Nambok. We arrived at uncle's icicles as usual, but they were kind enough to start a fire and heat us water. They were very happy to see us again and fed us plenty of sticky rice. FYI: you don't need immodium in Laos, sticky rice works better. In fact it works too well!

We spent the next day around Nambok and rode the bikes down to Sam's cousin's house who runs a mechanic shop at the rode split a few kilometers away. They were having a ceremony for a family member who was also getting over stomache trouble (they're not immune either!) It was funny how after drinking all night and eating a big meal, they quite competently got out their welding gear and went right outside to work on a huge bus that arrived late at night with a broken wheel.

We had our own ceremony the next day in Nambok. The ceremony they do is a standard celebration for many occasions - weddings, leaving on travels, getting over sickness, etc. They create a banana leaf origami centerpiece and tie white strings to it and arrange small money and food around it (usually a freshly killed and cooked chicken, sticky rice, and various packaged treats.) Everyone holds a string and someone leads a prayer, then there is another prayer while the recipient(s) of the ceremony hold some food and drink some rice whisky. The whisky and food grease is also rubbed on the head, for hair gel I guess because my hair was a mess, also the head is a sacred part of the body so maybe there is some ceremonial purpose. Maybe not though. Then everyone takes a string and ties it around the wrist of the recipient(s) of the ceremony while speaking well-wishes to them. All people are supposed to be composed of many spirits which may wander, and the idea is to gather the spirits back to the person using the string. Finally, everyone eats the food and the recipients keep the lucky money.

From the road split, we went to visit another of Sam's cousins down the road and saw pictures of part of the family which lives in New Zealand (sweet, hopefully we can stay with them later!) Then the trip took a very bizarre turn, i.e. we had good luck with a bus! In trying to hail a 2-way, we instead caught a guy with a minivan and no bus permit poaching passengers. We got him to drive us all the way back to our hotel, pick up our big bags, and take us to the Luang Prabang southern bus station where we caught the overnight "express" to Vientiane. We were impressed that it even had assigned seats and everything, but a few kilometers outside of town, out came the stools in the aisles, and in came all the unofficial passengers and stops. We still arrived by Grandma's road pretty fast (4am) and so had to ride the bikes in the dark the 7k or so to Grandma's. Here I discovered that the dogs have a vampire thing where they turn into rabid beasts by night, though they leave you alone during the day. Luckily going that way it was downhill and they couldn't keep up with us, or else the moon came out of the clouds, or something. Anyway we survived and made it to Grandma's for Christmas.

Floating to the Bang then Luang Prabang

The slow boat to Luang Prabang: 2 days of pleasure cruising on a luxury yacht

Arriving from Thailand to Huayxai was an interesting ordeal. There were about a hundred falangs at the immigration check in and we only had 30 minutes to make it to the boat dock to catch our slow boat. I used my Laotion charm to get the immigration officers to do our paper work ahead of the large group only to get hassled by the same cops that asked for some "Falang Babes". It was all in good fun and they processed us quickly so we could get to the boat. Once at the boat dock, we ended up sitting around for 2 hours waiting for the same large group that was ahead of us at immigration. Good times I tell you.

All aboard! There was about a hundred people on this long boat shaped like a butter saucer with hard wooden benches running down each side. Damn it once again, we didn't see that there was a shop selling sitting pillows that everyone else had purchased. Oh well, we are training for the buns of steel competition and 2 days on this boat will mean we will be claiming first and second prize. At least we each got our own bench since a bunch of people had to double up on these 3 foot wide benches. I think the fat and stinky American thing about us is finally paying off.

The crowd was a pleasant mixture of people. Old, young, locals, falangs, drunks, prudes, and everything in between. This was going to be an interesting trip for sure. It was less than an hour into the trip when 2 English lads decided to bring out the Lao Lao (Lao also means whiskey but pronounced with a different tone). They sang and played the guitar as the whiskey flowed and half the boat joined in while the other half either laughed along or got really irritated. I decided that my duty was to entertain Amy and keep her from throwing up since she still felt sick from the California Rolls in Chaing Rai. We talk, we sat, we listend to our iPoods, and did more of this for the next 7 hours. It was a good time for us to enjoy the scenery and think about our lives. I think Amy spent most of her time thinking about all the different candies she has eaten in her life and I thought about all the different ways you could cook an egg. Yeah, time sucks when you're stuck in a tiny boat with a sick girlfriend that cant eat anything. I decided that fair is fair so I didnt eat anything either the entire day since I felt so bad that she couldnt eat.

The boat arrived at a little village called Pak Bang where we were literally mobbed by a crowd of locals grabbing everyone's bag. We had to scale a 45 degree sand bank for 50 yards to make it up to the main road. Luckily two schmucks grabbed our bikes for us and carried that up the hill since Amy was weak and tired from being sick. I tipped them $.20 each only to get angry looks directed at me but my bad mood shown through and scared them. They mumbled and returned to the boat to get bags for falangs who would tip a decent $1 or more. Hehe!

There was guest houses all along this town and after looking at a few, we decided they were worst than a homeless shelter. There was one nice large hotel in the village that charged $35 per night. That is way too much for us but the manager decided to give us a break. For $20 a night, we get the room and a free breakfast but no "paper work". In other words, the owner doesn't know that a room was rented and the staff splits the $20. That was exactly what we needed, a nice bathroom for Amy to practice her super model skills in (throwing up anything she eats). Poor girl.

Once we woke up, we got our free continental breakfast and headed to the boat. Bikes are nice and secure on the roof, we got our own benches again, and there was an actual stand on the boat that sold sandwiches and beers (we changed boats for the second day). After a few hours on the boat I decided to join the "festive" crowd since Amy was feeling a little better and wanted to sleep. I moved the benches and made a nice bed on the floor for her then joined the singing troupe. It turns out that 4 beers made the next 5 hours go by in a breeze. We sang, we didn't dance, and everyone was merry. By the time we got to Luang Prabang everyone was asking how Amy was feeling. I guess my story telling captivated most of the boat and they all expressed concern for Amy and was fascinated with our journey. Well, most people wanted to follow us everywhere once they found out I spoke the local language and have been to Laos every year for the past 5. They figure I'd be a nice tour guide that will show them around and prevent them from over paying for anything. Amy and I made a quick getaway on our bikes once we got off the boat while everyone else was getting on tuk tuks for a 100 yard ride.

Ahhh, finally made if to Luang Prabang. It was a fun boat ride but being sick would make it difficult so I was glad we made it to land. We were able to check into the guest house I stay at every year since the crazy Thai tourist are out of town. There was a Thai holiday the first time we were in Luang Prabang a few weeks ago. This means that about 10 double decker buses carrying thousands of Thai tourist took over the town and every guest house is packed. A few nights here for Amy to get better and we'll be off by bicycles to Nambak to see my uncle.

In Search For Gary Fisher

Chaing Rai Thailand:

We decided that Houyxai was a waste of time and space so we made a quick getaway to Thailand once we got back from the Gibbons trek. Amy is deathly allergic to that town and refused to stay any longer. Checking out of Laos was a breeze this time, the cops were super friendly once they knew I was Laotion and requested that I bring them back some Falang babes from Thailand. I promised them a boat load and knew there would be plenty of Falangs on their way to Luang Prabang daily.

We hopped on a tiny long tail boats with our bags and off we were across the Mekong to Thailand. It was a quick 3 min ride that dwarfed the long swim from stories I heard growing up from my parents of how they had to swim across the river to escape the communist regime. They claimed I got swept out of my moms arms and floated down the river and thats where they should have left me. Too bad for them I knew how to swim at the age of 6 months and made my own damn way to Thailand.

The bus ride from Chiangkong (Boarder Village in Thailand) to Chiang Rai was uneventful except for the motorcycle crash our bus caused. The bus made it's usual sudden stop to pick up passengers when 3 motorcycles were behind and swerved into each other. Two of the riders skidded right pass our window while the other biker crashed into a big ditch. This really scared the crap out of us but luckily everyone got up with just road rash and broken motorbikes. The bus driver casually pulls away as if nothing happens and I quickly ditched the idea of buying a motorbike to ride across Laos and most of SE Asia.

6 hours and a dead battery (on my iPood) later we got into Chaingrai. We didn't have a guide book so the first falang I saw at the bus station was interrogated for the best guest house. He recommended Banbua so off we were to find it. After 30 minutes of searching in the dark and being too damn tired we came across a gal from Germany who happened to be looking for the same guest house. We searched together and finally found it after miles of circles around the place, it was just a block away from the bus station. The place had a nice garden area and super clean, large, and cheap rooms. The gods seems to have finally smiled on us. Two beers and a shitty hamburger (would be better considered a meat loaf made of cardboard and some beef seasoning) was enough to send us to bed. Oh, the stories from this German gal named Tina was unbelievable literally. She made me feel like a Catholic schoolboy compared to where she has been and what she's done. Amy and I just sat there listening with our mouths wide open. More on that later.......

Chaigrai has a great night market with a food court that made us both giddy. Deep fried food heaven! Fries, tempura, fried fruits, fried bread, fried insects, fried soda, fried fried, FRIED! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm FRIED! We feasted like royalty on just about every fried items available and each serving was about $.30. There were free entertainment consisting of local bands, traditional dance groups, and random acts on a center stage that all the seats and tables faced. I really enjoyed watching the light show but found out it was just the electricity going on and off at the random food stands when the musical instruments drew too much power. Amy once again managed to get brave and try some California Rolls at one of the stands. She paid for it with 3 days worth of the runs and throwing up from food poisoning. The poor girl is starting to look like Kate Moss and could probably get a modeling gig if this keeps up.



We spent the next few days resting and searching for nice mountain bikes to ride across Laos. There was two shops that sold real bikes that we ride in the western world unlike the typical local bikes. The local bikes are fine if you are under 5' tall and weigh less than 70 lbs. No gears, parts fall off during rides and it has the geometry of a unicycle. The steering tube is straight up and down so and sudden turns of more than 2 degrees means biting the pavement but luckily dental work is cheap in these parts. You can go to any motorbike repair shop and they'll pull your broken teeth out with pliers for $.05. We met Gary Fisher at the second bike shop and decided we liked him right away. $1000 for 2 Gary's with racks, saddle bags, tools, and spare parts. Now we can explore Laos in style!

The jumbo driver that took us to the bike shop had been super helpful while we assembled the bikes, and the poor guy was so scared driving back with $1000 bikes strapped to his jumbo that he waited like 5 minutes to make a right turn (they drive on the left.) No jumbo wheelies on the way back!

Next we took our bikes out for a spin to Chiang Rai beach (a river beach) which was very pleasant. We hung out at a cafe by the river and got spicy papaya salad with river crabs...possibly another source of a lot of later stomach trouble, but oh well.

The next morning we packed up and rode to the bus station to take us back to Chiangkong to return to Laos. Bikes were thrown in the back of the bus for no extra charge since it was early and the bus was completely empty. When we got to the bus station in Chaingkong, we rode like the wind to make the crossing in time to catch the slow boat back to the Bang. As usual, we rushed and stressed the entire time only to find out we made it with a few hours to spare.